The Premier League match-day experience just wouldn’t be the same without mascots.
Just like a trusty chicken balti pie with Bovril, ridiculously overplayed pre-match music and bizarre half-time fan challenges, there are certain traditions that English football simply can’t do without.
And seeing a dedicated man or woman dressed up in a ridiculously over-the-top fluffy suit to provide entertainment for children and adults around the stadium each weekend is certainly one of them.
Premier League mascots
Now, loyal readers of GIVEMESPORT might be aware that – inspired by a 2019 article from SoccerBible – we have previously ranked Premier League mascots by how hard they look.
Is it a completely ridiculous and ultimately stupid premise? Like, duh, but come on, don’t pretend as though you’re not vaguely intrigued as to which Premier League mascot is the biggest badass.
Obviously, the sheer madness of this concept means that the choices are wildly subjective and we don’t profess to actually know which fluffy cheerleader would come out on top in a scrap.
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It is, after all, a deliberately mad-hat and jokey ranking that shouldn’t be taken too seriously, so be sure to apply a truckload of salt.
And we are, of course, only talking about the appearances of the actual suits because the staff behind the costumes – some of whom have sadly passed away or been let go – are all awesome in the happiness that they bring to fans in their own away.
Oh, and to ensure that all 20 Premier League clubs have a representative, we’re calling upon each team’s most recent mascot even if they are no longer taking to the pitch like Changy The Elephant.
Mascots ranked by how hard they look
However, enough the disclaimers because we know that you’re here for the mascot madness and costume carnage, so be sure to check out the toughest cats in the Premier League down below:
20. Sammy and Mary Saint
Naw. These two probably have a joint Instagram account and spoon on the sofa while watching ‘Emily in Paris’. The only people they’re beating up are themselves for not being even kinder and cute.
19. Filbert Fox
If you’re staggering out of a nightclub at 3am and see Filbert Fox marauding towards you down a dark and dingy alley, you’re not even phased. In fact, you’d probably want to cuddle him. I certainly do.
18. Stamford and Bridget
Look, don’t get me wrong, you don’t want to cross the ‘King of the Jungle’, but this dreamy example of couple goals would sooner kiss a gazelle gently on the neck as opposed to tearing its jugular out.
17. Wolfie the Wolf
The only thing Wolfie is wolfing down is Tumblr posts and poetry. He gets bullied at the kennels.
16. Moonchester and Moonbeam
You know some creepy s*** is going down if you bump into these two on a night out, but by the time you see the cute little bow and those innocents smiles, you know that your nose and teeth are safe.
15. Fred the Red
In the pantheon of, well, the devil, Fred the Red looks like a pretty chill guy. That cheeky-chap vibe suggests that if punches were thrown, he’d simply ring his mate Dev the Dread instead.
14. Kop Cat
An icon of the mascot circuit that flits between looking like they could rip your head off with one claw and seeming like the type of cat you’d wine and dine over three courses on a Tinder date.
13. Gunnersaurus Rex
Look, no matter how hard you claim to be after two pints of Carling at the ‘Duck and Hound’, you’re talking out your Arse-ne Wenger if you wouldn’t be scared about scrapping with a dinosaur.
His punches have terrible reach, mind.
12. Chirpy and Lily Cockerel
We’re not saying that couples can’t be chilling – Bonnie and Clyde, cough, cough – but it looks as though you’d have to go out of your way to get your eyes pecked out by this power partnership.
11. Mighty Red
Those doll-like black eyes, that cheese-grater smile and cutting beak are enough to scare any brawler, but let’s be honest here, Mighty Red has seriously skipped leg day…
10. Monty Magpie
Less ‘Haway The Lads’ and more ‘Haway With Your Head’ judging by that guillotine beak.
9. Captain Canary
It says everything that Norwich have toned down those sad, mournful eyes of old because you could tell that Captain Canary had some serious demons. Something still feels off, though.
8. Hercules and Bella
If you look in Hercules and Bella’s basements, it’s just a bloodied pile of wildebeest, gazelles and fans who didn’t think they were the Premier League’s 10th hardest-looking mascots. True story.
7. Buzz Bee and Buzzette
If that’s not the smile of a psychopath then I don’t know what is. We sincerely hope that ‘Buzz’ is merely a bee reference as opposed to the sound of chainsaws coming from their house at night.
He’ll nick your chips
And your soul.
5. Harry the Hornet
As Al Capone famously said in the 1920s: ‘if there’s one gangster who’s so damn tough that even I won’t hire him, it’s Harry the Hornet.’ Wise words, Al, because Roy Hodgson still has nightmares.
4. Bertie Bee
The real football boots, the piston-like thighs and a face you simply don’t mess with, you just know that Bertie is a debt collector, nightclub bouncer and Greco-Roman wrestler in his spare time. Nutter.
3. Changy The Elephant
Sheesh. Look at the anger in his eyes. Changy might have hung up his trunk at Everton, but you can bet that he’s trampled the living daylights out of the other mascots in the retirement home.
2. Pete the Eagle
Pete has seen some serious s*** in his lifetime. There’s an eerie coldness to that war-weary face that makes you worried that a chilling Netflix documentary will be released about him in years to come.
Run for the hills. Lock away your children.
Forget eagles, dinosaurs and the fricking devil because Hammerhead is rocking up with weaponry from 2100. Artillery fire wouldn’t make a dent on this badass, never mind your drunken punches.
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The joy of mascots
Well done, ladies and gentlemen, you’ve made it to the end and you’ve probably only lost a few thousand brain cells along the way.
Of course, our jovial suggestions that certain mascots love a scrap or have buried people under their patios are only in jest because these fun characters’ purpose is ultimately to bring happiness.
And the only reason we haven’t included some of the incredible virtual mascots to have appeared in the Premier League is because they show far more courage and strength than anyone in the sport.
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